I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize