recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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