I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
