It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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