hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
