I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
