you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
