All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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