I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I seem to have left my pride at pride
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
