i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
