i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
