you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
