Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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