He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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