I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
