It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I FOUND THE LEGS
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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