did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
