I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
