i will never coherently bang her
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
