I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my being single is dangerous.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
