Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
