Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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