my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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