You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
