I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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