You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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