omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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