but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We had to coat check the pizza.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
