peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
