i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
