wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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