I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
