Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
