please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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