i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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