It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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