I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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