4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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