I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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