Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
