Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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