I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
