1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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