can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
