Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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