Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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