I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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