are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
