My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
