Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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