But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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