Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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