I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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